someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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