Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need moral support for this bender
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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