I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
