Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
