I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
