WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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