I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
