She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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