I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
