Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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