Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
