why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
