Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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