it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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