he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize