I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
