I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
