Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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