i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
