Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
is it fun? or sober?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
