I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
