Are we in a gay sports bar?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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