you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
sarcasm needs its own font
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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