she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
