it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
