I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
