I wish I could teleport
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
