Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My cat gives me a boner
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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