I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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