Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
