He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
