The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
