Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
