My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
