I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
