Don't make out with my wife yet
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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