She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
