I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I checked into jail on foursquare
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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