dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
