Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
