A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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