The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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