The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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