the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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