Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I wish there were birth control emojis
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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