theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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