I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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