i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
