Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize