Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
