Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
