Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
