We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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