My liver just broke up with me...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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